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Daily Poem #21 The Handyman’s Tale

The Handyman's Tale

 

I answered an ad in 'Faryland Times' – I thought it a joke

Until a bear on a chair took me on : 'You seem a good bloke!”

 

So I packed up my kit and through forest and dale

I fetched up in Fairy Land: this is my tale

 

I don't get a mention, I'm sorry to say: my mythic employers prefer it that way –

But who do you think, when things go awry, arrives with his tools to save the day?

 

Rapunzel, for example, a delicate flower, sends for me frequently to unblock her shower

And that clever little pig despite all his tricks, needed an expert to point all those bricks.

 

The hooves of those billy- goats sure took their toll, but it a was ME, not them, that did for that troll.

I took out a plank on the bridge and he fell through the hole.

 

ITgey say that a woodcutter saved Little Red in her hour of need

But it was me that killed Wolfie, I did the deed.

 

Cinderella's coach? I put back the wheel that fell off when it went in a ditch

And with a dollop of Swarfega I made the glass slipper fit.

 

Those princes and giants have there place, there's no doubt

But there'd be few happy endings if I didn't help out!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Daily Poem #20: A Riddle

Riddle:

Word-worker

Chore-shirker

Wine-downer

Love-maker

Rhyme-stalker

Star-talker

Piss-taker:

 

Poet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Daily Poem #19 How To Make Apple Pie

First gather everything together

Into A Singularity

And blow on it!

WOW!!

That was a very, very,

Big

Bang.

 

Now wait 13.7 billion years and open a cook-book.

 

(My thanks to God.

Who did the Big Bang

And Carl Sagan, whose recipe this is!!)

Daily Poem Day #18

Sounds of Home:

 

Crack and hiss of a spiteful coal in it's narrow hearth

Westminster chimes, Disneyfied, by the ice-cream seller in his pink-cream van.

” My Whippy” or “Tartaglia's”

I remember the day they had a fight and whizzed dollops of vanilla

Over our wondering heads.

Mum's industrial Singer treadle machine

Whine-hum tat-tat-tat d-D-D–d-D (She was fast, my mum, sewing

Collars, plackets, pockets, lapels … for pennies Piece- Work,

For Comptons, where she worked, before she married.

My dad's old 73's churning around on his ancient record player

In A Monestry Garden, In A Persian Market, Panis Angelicus.

My dad wasn't a church-goer, but Panis Angelicus made me one.

Mum breaks into song.

“Catch A Falling Star and Put it in your Pocket …

D-D–D ddddddddddddd d-D-D

 

And my grandfather's old clock ( seven shillings and sixpence, Woolworth 1913

Ticks on and on and on …

Daily Poem #13 Fortune Favours the Cookie Eater

Midnight.

First of May.

Wash your hair in dew and gaze into a mirror

(Careful! Don't break it!)

There he is. A tall dark handsome stranger

En route to Porlock.

 

Hand the cat (black, naturally)

To a neighbour and escort the

Stranger to Vegas,

Where, touch wood,

Your lucky dime will

Accrue, for you, a

MASSIVE fortune.

 

If not, head into the sunset with a shovel

And track down a rainbow.

Position yourself at its end,

Throw salt over your left shoulder, and

DIG!

 

If Mercury is in the ascendant and

Cassandra on holiday, you

WILL find that pot of gold

Stuffed with enough

Shiny silver sixpences to ensure

You will, if you're lucky,

Live

Happily

Ever

After

Daily Poem #12 Improbable Index …

AA sells manual for drivers

Abridged for coping with

Accidents and other assorted

Adventures. Take flying with

Aeroflot for example, an adventure and no mistake.

After all, it's not just

Agricultural workers who say

Ah-Ah!!! when denied first

Aid in an emergency especially when the door is left

Ajar: a trip hazard if ever there was one, and injury ensues. It's

Akin to exchanging

Aluminium hydroxide (toothpaste ???) for

Ammonium peroxide, which not sensible on the whole. Moving on – best remain

Anonymous, or only raise the issue of coherence under

AOB which is

Apparently essential if you wish to

Aquire a reputation for sobriety. Best

Arrive early for the meeting, to be

Assured of having your

Attendance recorded in the minutes. Next: Please don't

Augment your stature in any way. Safer to be

Average in every department. Otherwise an

Awful dendroligist will take an

Axe to your cherry tree a la Geoge Washington. However, speaking of the

Ayatollah, and let's imagine we WERE, did you know his favourite shade of blue was

AZURE?!!

 

THE END